


Breaking Jarvis

by Winterstar



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 13:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1349578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterstar/pseuds/Winterstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve thinks he broke JARVIS - Tony tries to figure it out. He learns more than he bargained for, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Jarvis

“No, no, no. That is not right, not right on so many levels.”

“I said I was sorry, Tony, I don’t know what else to say.” Steve stands there like a lost little puppy, with big blue beautiful eyes that just might have tears in them. Tony knows he has tears in his eyes.

“No one, and I mean no one can break-.”

“Well, I think I did,” Steve interrupts and the slump to his shoulders really is pathetic. He looks like he might crumple into a heap of crying man flesh.

“Stop, you did not.” Tony scrubs at his hair with his nails and stomps around the work shop. “No one is capable of doing that, Stevie-baby. So don’t worry your gorgeous ass about it.”

Steve peers over his shoulder at his ass and frowns. “Thank you, Tony, but I don’t think my ass is worried about anything. It’s my head and my heart. I really think you should trust me on this one.”

Tony sighs and surrenders. “Sure, Capsicle of my heart. I will trust you on this one. JARVIS? JARVIS, please tell Captain America here, the heart and soul of all that is patriotic, he did not break you.”

Silence. Tony looks around the workroom and huffs. “JARVIS, my man, come on, stop it with the games and tell our good captain he has nothing to worry about.”

“I told you, Tony, I broke JARVIS.”

“No one short of a clone of me can break JARVIS,” Tony says but something like a niggling at the back of his brain hurts, like someone’s fingernail scrapes into the tender tissues of his neurons. “JARVIS.”

He hates the silence. It reminds him of those days in Tennessee when JARVIS would break out in words like cranberry and want to sleep. JARVIS does not sleep and JARVIS doesn’t eat cranberries. “For fuck’s sake, JARVIS doesn’t eat.”

“I didn’t say he did.” Steve follows Tony around the workshop like he is a puppy, looking for some kind of consolation or comfort or some shit.

“Just stop hovering,” Tony says and rubs at his eyes when Steve sinks to the couch and looks up at him with those long eyelashes flickering. Is he crying, he better not be crying. He’s Captain Fucking America, and there’s no crying in baseball or in superheroing. “Stop, stop, stop, we will figure it out.”

“Okay,” he says but he sounds abysmal. 

“Let me just access,” Tony stops and turns back to Steve. “Tell me, what exactly were you doing when you broke JARVIS.”

“I don-, I don’t think that’s relevant.”

“It might be, hit me up,” Tony says and urges him with a quick wave. “What did you do?”

“It really doesn’t have anything to do with-.” Steve isn’t looking at Tony, he’s staring at his clasped hands. 

Suddenly Tony feels like a nun in Steve’s orphanage. He doesn’t like this feeling, if anything it gives him the willies because – reasons – he’s sleeping with said orphan. “Okay, let’s start from the beginning.”

“Yes, okay.” Steve nods but he still presents like he’s about to be brought in front of the firing squad.

“You were, what were you doing again?”

“Surfing, I was surfing the internet. That’s the right term, right?”

“Yes, and you know it is, stop being stupid,” Tony says and the playful light fades from the good Captain’s eyes and now Tony feels like he just kicked said orphan. He huffs out a breath. 

“I was surfing the internet and I started to look at this site, you know, it’s very creative and all.” Steve rubs the back of his neck. “I thought it was kind of neat.”

“Was it a porn site? Did you kill JARVIS over porn?”

“No, I mean, of course not, I don’t think so. It does have an explicit rating to some of the-.” Steve fumbles for more words and fails pitifully.

“So, you were looking at a porn site and then what did you do to my A.I.?”

“I wasn’t looking at a porn site, I was reading fanfiction,” Steve says and he seems indignant, because fanfiction must be loads higher brow than porn. 

Tony has his doubts. Some porn is very tastefully done. “Fanfiction, Steve? What, of Howdy Doody?”

Steve grits his teeth and jumps up. “Fine, Tony, figure it out yourself.”

“No, no,” Tony says and puts his hands up again. “Let’s calm down, Cap. I’m sorry, I know you like to do a lot of reading to catch up.” Though how fanfiction qualifies is beyond Tony. “Okay, what were you reading? What kind of fanfiction do you like?”

“It’s, it’s based on RPF,” Steve says and hangs his head. He collapses on to the couch again, and looks miserable. A wet puppy couldn’t look worse (or a wet orphan). 

“What is RPF?”

“Real person fic?” Steve shrugs. “I think that’s what it means.”

“And this real person fic is what exactly?” Tony asks but he has an inkling that he doesn’t really want to know.

“Fiction based on real people. Some of the writers are pretty brilliant, Tony. You should read some of the adventures, and the hurt-comfort. Oh, maybe you don’t want to read that genre, since you happen to be on the hurt side of that a lot.” Steve smiles. “But the AU, that’s alternate universe ones, I thought I would hate, but I’ve really taken a shine to them.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Tony glares at him. He’s supposed to be fixing his highly advanced A.I. All he’s doing right now is listening to hogwash or in his language fuckedy fuck.

“The RPF I read is about the Avengers. Mainly AU stuff, but sometimes the hurt comfort stuff. You really do cry and whimper beautifully, Tony,” Steve says and he gets all dreamy eyed which kind of scares Tony in some ways and intrigues him in other ways that he’s not ready to admit. 

“Okay,” Tony says. “And what did you do?”

“I’ve been reading these stories by this one author, oh it has been wonderful. I really like this author, she does a great job.”

“She?”

“Most fanfiction authors are women, some are men, but most are women.” Steve nods again. “There’s a few men like Copperbadge, but not many.”

“Okay, so she’s your favorite fanfiction writer, and-.” How is this is life?”

“And I started to – you know – chat with her.”

“Did you flirt because I will be jealous and I’m an ugly jealous person,” Tony says.

Steve waves him off. “No, but we started to talk about the story and then Divine Ops got a little testy because-.” He stutters and then says, “She got all weird when I asked how she was able to be so detailed. I mean some of the stuff she writes about is spot on.”

“Spot on, like?”

“She described the arc reactor to the minute detail, and then there’s the time she wrote about the freckles on my back. That was weird.”

“Why would she be writing about your bare back?”

“She writes slash,” Steve says and when Tony tries to ask about the terminology Steve sidesteps him. “But she stopped talking and I tried to use the email addresses and then all of her stories disappeared from AO3.”

“What?”

“Archive of Our Own, AO3, keep up with the times, Tony,” Steve replies.

“She yanked all of her stories, she stopped talking to you, she describes things she couldn’t possibly know down to the detail-.” Tony sighs. “JARVIS, when I said to get a hobby, I did not mean to write fanfiction about our lives.”

Silence again.

“Tony, I don’t-.” Steve watches him with a confused innocent look on his face.

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, sir. I do have an explanation, sir.” 

“And that would be?”

“I am, painfully, shamefully, addicted to kudos.”

“Do I even want to know?” Tony looks at Steve for guidance. He only shakes his head, and Tony sighs. 

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Divine Ops?”

“It is quite descriptive, sir.”

“I think we need to have a conversation,” Tony says.

“Can it wait, sir? I am currently writing my WIP and would like to finish the chapter prior to the newest episode of Supernatural. If I don’t get it posted before then, all of the readers are too busy on tumblr commenting about the show.”

“I thought you took all of the posts from AO3?” Steve says.

“I only changed my pseudonym, Captain Rogers.”

“To?” Tony chimes in.

“IronMandoesCaptainAmerica, sir.” 

Tony swears he can hear the embarrassment in his A.I. voice. He chooses to forget the entire conversation, walks back to his work bench, puts on the welding mask, and ignores his A.I. and his boyfriend as they chat about the latest new AU story. And how beautifully Tony suffers.

He already knows that, he has to put up with both of them. And then he smiles, because somehow, it's all right. But then again, he has his own plans for his very own AU with Steve tonight. He smirks, oh yes he does.

**Author's Note:**

> So I broke my computer today - seriously smashed the hard drive by having it crash off of the desk onto the floor while it was on. This is the ultimate no-no. This is horrible. This means I lost my data and my chapters to my WIP. So I needed a break as I write on my husband's computer.
> 
> Cry for me.....I am waiting to find out the diagnosis and the prognosis and if my poor little computer will come back to me with files intact or not.....15,000 words of [ The Captain and His Courtesan](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1167171) lost - the best space race ever....and the best hot hot scene...with Tony inventions to boot!


End file.
